This is a series of articles involving past clients who with their names changed are happy for me to tell their story in the hope it will help other people.
Today’s story relates to a lovely lady who came to me; her first visit soon revealed why she was stressed, anxious, frustrated, generally at her wits end.
We started with a cuppa and a quiet sit in my Shinrin room, where the soothing calm of the room did its thing. After a while I asked her to tell me why she had come to see me. To cut a long story short she had a teenage son who had changed from a fun loving, happy guy into a moody, rude, guy that flip flopped between this monster and his old self.
She of course blamed herself and tried to find out what was wrong with him, to which he would fly off the handle or cry and not make sense. She was desperate!
I started by telling her that this is another phase he is going through, like all the others he has gone through, it will pass. I then told her about when I was living in Wales, with two boys 18 months apart. I had gone into a small tearoom in town for a cuppa. Babe was asleep and toddler was fine.
Sure, enough as my coffee arrived and cakes for me and toddler, babe woke up and both were grizzly. There were two lovely, elderly ladies in there, we got talking and they each felt sorry for me and offer to hold a child each so I could have my drink
The result of this story was that the one lady said she could remember when hers were small, she had several so it meant she had one teething and the other a typical teenager either in love or moody. She said the two children were much about the same, although the same difficult nature, different symptoms, but they grew out of it.
When my two reached each stage, I thought of those two ladies and have quoted the one often. When I started using nature to help people, I spent some time finding out more about the transition that befalls some teens. I have often spoken of this to other parents who are going through that phase.
So, here is a brief look at what’s going on inside your teenager’s head…
Let’s start by saying this can only be described by as a ‘perfect storm.’ However, if we can understand what is happening and how best to ride the storm hopefully it will become a better period.
So here are the four main things happening to your once happy fun-loving kid.
First, in their brain two areas are developing and unfortunately, not at the same rate. The emotional part, Amygdala, is suddenly doing a spurt of growth. This section is responsible for emotions and impulses. Teenagers use this part of the brain a lot and with it changing so fast this means they rely on their gut for emotions rather than logic. At a much slower pace the reasoning part of the brain, Prefrontal Cortex, is also developing, it controls planning, impulse control and empathy. The result of the miss match explains why teenagers struggle with thinking through the results of their actions or words and find it hard to manage their feelings of frustration.
Now let’s add to this the effects of hormones being released, some are sexual ones while others help with physical development and directly influence emotions. The result is anxiety can be amplified by them rather than calmed.
As if all that isn’t enough to drive a person crazy let us now take into account, they are in a phase where they are neither a child, that is told what to do. Nor are they an adult who can make choices for themselves. They are moving between the two. The period between 13 – 16 is the worst and 14 is the worst of all.
Finally, we add the pressures on their peers and social media. Suddenly how they look, what they wear, eat etc. is all important. Being accepted into one of the groups is vital, while at the same time there are pressures from school to make decisions about their future, getting the right grades. Then there are the pressures from at home, often with parents wanting their child to have what they didn’t have, and cope with this new moody model.
Living through the teenage years is hard for parents and teenagers. You want to help them but everything you do seems to be wrong and makes things worse
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So now we know why you have this moody rebellious child instead of the fun-loving one, so, how do you deal with this?
The best way to ride this storm is to remember this is nothing you have done, it is not personal and this will pass. Here are my suggestions to try and help you and the teenager…
Calmness
Whatever happens stay calm, if you find yourself getting strung up, move away and take some deep slow breaths. Wait till both of you have calmed down, then see if a conversation can be had.
Communication
Think about what questions to ask. Don’t make it a drill of questions. Keep it light, perhaps what was the best part of your day. You can also tell them you are available if they want to chat.
Think about how you tell them how their rudeness affects you. So rather than telling them they are rude, explain how their rudeness hurts you. When they do choose to talk to you don’t interrupt, let them finish what they want to say, and perhaps ask if they want your advice or not.
Pick your battles
For a while ignore messy bedrooms, fashion and music choices. They are not important, deal with those later when the phase has passed.
Set the Boundaries
When they are in a receptive mood discuss as a family what will be the new rules for you all to live by. Think about mutual respect, behaviours, this includes things like slamming doors, shouting and other things which cause upset. Remember these rules work both ways, it is also important at this same meeting to discuss and agree on what the consequences are of breaking these rules and remember they apply to all.
The Emerging Adult
They are transitioning to being adults and will have different needs than before. Give them space, time alone to sort themselves out and recharge. There are several great activities to suggest, and this works both ways, physical exercise is vital and teens rarely get enough unless they take part in a sporty hobby. Exercise burns off these hormones and help to resume a state of calm.
Also, activities like some form of art, listening to calm music, writing in a journal. There are some really useful life skills like meditation, mindfulness and breathwork which will help them resume a calm state of mind quicker. Useful for parents too. Without a doubt spending time in nature will offer a range of benefits to physical and mental health for parents and teenagers alike. Even a 20-minute walk in a park or woodland will make a big difference. This would link with the journalling and/or the art side of things too.
Getting outdoors is another way to limit screen time, which is good for their mental health and gradually gets them to connect with the real world. There are a range of activities outside which may grab their interest more than just a walk, like geocaching, or nature photography. Perhaps even volunteering on a nature project.
If you or someone you know is going through or about to go through the teenage phase with their offspring and they would like to find out more about what I do and how I can help them…
Join me next month for another case file,
perhaps this might sound like you.
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